Crackers fix… everything.

I just shouted “Accio Earphones!” and pointed to my earphones lying on the ground. Not surprisingly, they didn’t come to me. But I’m just too darn lazy to climb out of my lofted bed to get them.

Crackers. As my title suggests, they are the cure all for everything. How do I know this? I don’t. I’ve never experienced anything at all, including illnesses that crackers have helped me conquer. But whenever I’m hungry, or sick, or nauseous, the first thing anyone tells me to do is eat crackers.

Well… here’s the low-down on the cracker situation.

Ritz:  I like Ritz crackers. They’re rather buttery with just the right amount of salt. But the problem is, I’m not much for salty food. Therefore, I rarely crave Ritz crackers. But when I do eat them, I eat them plain or with cheese spread.

Saltines: Only occasionally do I ever wish I had saltine crackers sitting in front of me. They, like Ritz crackers, are also salty… However, if I eat them, I eat them in peanut butter.

Graham: Graham crackers are alright, but they make me thirsty right away. My favorite way to eat them is breaking them into small-ish pieces and pouring milk over them like cereal. They have to be eaten super fast though because they get soggy faster than conventional cereal. At school, I am not able to access this method of graham cracker consumption—quite a disappointment on my scale. Graham crackers are useful in two other ways: smore’s and cheesecake. I’m not the biggest fan of smore’s, but they are a must eat on camping trips for the sake of camping tradition. And under cheesecake, it is the only cracker that can be substituted for an adequate crust—as long as it’s sugared before baked. However, when possible, use Oreo cookie crumbs.

Well, those are the three main types of crackers I come into contact on the most average of every day life. It’s a rather long and tedious process to explain the “cracker low-down” to somebody who tells me to eat crackers when I’m ailing, so instead, I just reply (like a child, mind you), “But I don’t like crackers…” To my horror, however, that statement doesn’t usually end the conversation. What follows is a list that typically goes:

“Drink some juice…”
”I don’t like juice.” (true statement)

“Or light soda… get a Sprite.”
”I don’t like that either…”

“But ginger ale is good for you…”

“Does that not count in the “light soda” category?”

“Have some soup…”

And by here I give up and say “Ok, I’ll go have some soup,” as if it’s that easily accessible that I can just “have soup” whenever I like.

Another thing crackers supposedly “fix:”

I contracted the stomach flu and after days of hearing: Eat crackers! Eat crackers! And I saying: YOU CAN’T FORCE ME YOU ABOMINABLE FOOLS! I decided I could stomach some rice noodle soup after fasting for a day and a half. I optimistically bought the organic soup bowl at the health food store on campus and brought it to my room to heat up. I was disappointed to find that the cooking instruction highly resembled those of Ramen Noodles, and I was wary of this new product. I decided to go for it nonetheless; I was hungry.

The rice noodles were nothing above passable, but that could have been my perception of everything at the time due to my hunger and sour mood after throwing up and passing out earlier that weekend. I left the room, probably only to use the bathroom, and returned to the most foul, garlic smelling room I ever encountered. Soon after, my roommate entered and commented on the stench. I immediately apologized because we were both suffering.

The next day, after keeping the window open and spraying a rather large amount of Febreeze, the garlic still clung to every molecule in the jail-cell of a room. I emailed my mother, who is quite the chef, because I thought she would be experienced in this sort of situation. Her solution: sit some crackers out to absorb the smell.

Now, I know that she was joking, but after days of feeling like nothing more than a pile of crap and everyone telling me: CONSUME DA MAGICAL HEAWING CWACKERS! I exploded and replied something along the lines of: Mom! I’m a poor college student! It’s not like I can just go out and get crackers whenever I want! Food doesn't just magically appear in front of me! 

This just triggered my mom’s funny bone and she then thought it would be funny to answer any of my problems or questions with the solution of “crackers.”

Needless to say: Crackers fix everything.